stars

 I’ve had a long day.

A long day of people. Talking to people. Interacting with people. Trying to understand people. Learning that I don’t always have to please people. It’s just a day in the life of an introvert- or, rather, a day in the life of Emma, who’s pretty different from your average introvert. Or, I’d like to hope so.

So, to recover my drained energy, I’ve stepped outside. I’ve peeled off my socks (although the Illinois air is quite chilly) and ventured barefoot out onto the cool grass of the backyard. I lie down on my back, looking up at the stars. Lauren Daigle’s Rescue plays through my earbuds. As I look at the twinkling stars up in the black sky, I recall singing this exact song with my best friend at a concert. The lights were dimmed, and we, along with many other people in the crowd, turned on our phone flashlights to act like twenty-first-century candles. We waved them in the air in time to the music. It was like looking out into a sea of stars- each star representing a different person. A different life. A different soul.

And I had cried then, feeling so strongly my Father’s love for me. He numbered all the stars in the sky, and yet He knew me exactly. And He would send out an army to save my soul.

Now, I smile as I look at the stars- these ones real. It’s nice to remember that He has a divine army for me- and it’s amazing to remember how much He loves me after such a long day. I can feel some healing balm spread across my heart as I take out my earbuds and just relish in the silence of the outdoors.

Which doesn’t last long.

I hear someone call out to me. Then footsteps.

I lift my head to see the shadow of my younger brother, Scott, come running up to me. I smile and greet him.

“Lie down next to me,” I instruct. “And look at the stars.”

He does as told, and we look up into the sky together.

“You’re looking up, right?” I say, voicing the thoughts that have just come to my brain. “Well, as you look into the stars, focus hard enough, and imagine you’re looking down. You’re dangling off the earth, and just looking into a black abyss.”

There’s a quietness as he concentrates, imagining, as I am, that we tiny little humans are just hanging off the earth, looking into the black infinity of the universe.

“Whoa,” he finally gasps.

I smile, continuing to focus on one star, watching as the rest of the world becomes dark around me.

“If you focus on one star, the rest of the world blacks out,” he exclaims excitedly, noticing it too.

“I thought I was the only one who noticed that.”

We lay there for a little bit, chatting and looking at the stars. I can feel my energy restore a little more- there with my brother, a boy whom I share both blood and eternity with. Just the two of us and the universe around us. And God’s love within all of it.

Finally I turn and press my forehead against his, and I tell him I love him. He gives me a kiss (his trademark for telling me he loves me), and then turns to run back to the house.

“Oi!” I call in a mock accent. “Let me kiss you too, mate!”

He comes back and lets me kiss his head. “Love you!” he calls as he runs off.

“Love you more!”

“Love you most-est!”

“Impossible,” I say to myself, smiling and looking back at the stars.

It’s funny- the stars, the grass, the shadows of the trees all around me- I’ve seen it before. On Pinterest. People in nature, claiming they have peace.

I thought the internet could give me that peace. Or other people. Or so many things.

Instead, a song, a boy, and a star gave it to me.

A small moment meant so much more than an infinity.

Because I was focusing on the whats. All the things. How could I buy the peace I was after?

Answer: you can’t.

Things can’t heal your mental health. People can’t feel the Spirit for you. The Internet can’t recreate God’s love (though, believe me, it will try). Only you can feel all that.

As another one of my favorite songs says, big love happens in the small moments. I’m the only one who can be the vessel for all those small moments. And God is the only one who can properly heal my soul.

We are made from the same intelligence as the stars. We came from where they still reside. And, like our starry sisters, we have one mission: to shine.

And stars do that!

But sometimes it’s hard to see.

Sometimes, thanks to light pollution, we can’t see their light in the night sky. Or sometimes, one brighter star blocks all of them off entirely.

But don’t let the world’s light stop you from shining. Someday, the sun will set. The moon will rise. And someone will be brave enough to venture where the city lights don’t shine.

And they will see you.

The universe is wide, my friend. If you feel a little dimmer today than usual- you are not broken. Experiences like mine are proof of that. The biggest spirit hides in the smallest moments. Look for them. Look up.

And shine.

oxoxo,

Emma

really seeing

 So. I have more thoughts. I’m writing them from this rock out in the front yard of my aunt and uncle’s house.

It’s a pretty great perch, if I may say so.

So first: (and I may add more thoughts as the day goes on) back to the people pleasing thing. I’m the kind of girl who will INSTANTLY answer a text message, or get so worried about liking everyone’s posts, or just be worried about what people think of me in general.

There’s nothing wrong with caring for others. There is a problem with caring about others- getting so wrapped up in what THEY think of us.

But can they see us?

Yes, you smart alecks, of course they can see us. (Unless they’re blind, of course.) But can they see us?

Do they know our lives, inside and out? Do they know our thoughts? Our intentions?

The answer is no, of course not.

Now, it is possible to really get to know someone. It is possible to see them a little clearer. In fact, that is what we are supposed to do. But we will never be another person.

So why are we worried about becoming someone we’re not?

Be you. You can see everyone, but you can only be one person.

And the same goes reversed. We can’t really see or be everyone. So why are we judging them? Why are we labeling them?

Labels are one of my least favorite things in the history of the world- when it comes to people, at least. A person is not their interests. A person is not their hair color. A person is not their body type. A person is not the jeans they’re wearing, or the brand of those jeans. They are a child of God.

Can you see that?

I challenge you to see…see others, see yourself, and see the world as divine- the way God wants us to see things.

It won’t be perfect. But we’re mortal, so our vision isn’t exactly perfect.

But God loves it when we try.

oxoxo,

Emma

you do not need to be perfect!

 Hi, there!

I was reading back at my last blog post and, oh my word, I apologize for all of you who read through that. I’m very grateful if you DID, but still. That was depressing even for me to read. But, they were my feelings, and they’re therefore valid.

I’m currently writing this from riding in our car as we drive through Ohio. (I CAN BLOG POST FROM MY PHONE! MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS CHANGED!) And, as you may have seen in my Instagram stories, road trips give me a place to think a lot about…everything. And if you know me well, you know it’s difficult for me to authentically explain my thoughts and emotions. But I seem to do a good job once I try, so here goes:

I’m what you could call a “people pleaser”. (I took a personality quiz online, and I got what one calls an “Obliger”, so if you know anything about that, yeah, that’s what I am.) I care a lot about what people think of me. And I worry a lot about other people’s choices- because, for some reason, I think I’ll be affected by their consequences. (No. It’s their choice, so they’re punished for it. I’m only punished for my choices. Please see Article of Faith #2 :) ) So it’s very easy for me to become caught up in the worry if I’m “doing it right”. I know my standards, and I know my limits- but peer pressure’s tactics can be very cunning indeed. “Am I too close to the limit?” I wonder, as I forget the limits I set for myself in the first place. “Maybe I don’t need to worry about it…they like me like this, anyway.”

And thus, my view becomes fractured, and I become more worried about being of the world, rather than just in it.

Of course, this is exactly what the hosts of Hell desire.

They laugh happily as soon as I start to sink into confusion. They taunt me from their great and spacious building, saying all things are too confusing for me to ever learn.

But Jesus carries a different message.

You see, His power is the only thing that pulls me out of this mental fog. His voice is the only voice that can give me divine truth. He says that I can learn- just over the course of time. Line upon line. Precept upon precept. Here a little and there a little.

And He can do the same for you, too.

Listen to me. Your mental battles may be different from mine. Your voices may yell different things than mine. But His extended hand remains the same. His power to help you through all things remains the same. The world changes constantly, but He never will.

He says that perfection is a process. He says that the line still stands. He says we can walk it, and by doing so we can become like Him.

Nothing to me could ever matter more.

So, I shall continue to learn! Life is an adventure, and every day is a new lesson.

Thanks for being along on the adventure with me. Your presence and love means more than you could ever know. :]

Thanks for reading,

oxoxo,

Emma

this post is going to be my emotions throwing up on the page

 Isn’t it amazing how many colors can be added to the canvas that is your life in just a few days?

So many lessons, so many blurs, so many everythings, so much being pulled in so many different directions-

Wanting to be one thing, but feeling as if you’ll never get there-

I feel like everyone feels like they know me. And then I pull back another layer and bam, there’s a part of Emma we didn’t know.

But what if I’m faking it?

I spent so much of my life doing just that. And I don’t know how to tell whether I like something or it’s just my stupid brain being influenced.

I like so many things. I am so many things. And I just want to be the soft girl, the wholesome quiet girl, the girl who can help people, touch people, and is so, so loving. The girl who has perfect faith. The girl who God can 100% count on all the time.

But I’m loud. I’m brash. I yell or snap in anger sometimes. I can be harsh and maybe even a little violent to some people’s standards. I suck at social cues. I hate labels. And yet so much of my problems come from them. (Probably why I hate them.) I just want to live my life! I want to know it’s mine. I want God to be able to count on me, even when I’m skipping in so many different directions.

I just don’t wanna screw up.

Listen, I know I’m being emotional and vulnerable right now. And I’m okay with that. But I also wanna be positive, y’know? I want to be the one who happily tells you good morning and who loves life and like posts stuff that inspire people. Or whatever.

And, yeah, I know people who post positive things aren’t happy all the time. Sometimes they, like me, just feel like their lives suck.

I don’t know. The only idea I’m having is to keep going, but where? I don’t even know how many people will see this, and man, that hurts me. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s better, so my feelings don’t have to be strewn all across the worlds of your brains and cause a sticky, dark mess.

If my life looks like everyone else’s, then I did it wrong. Because then I copied and I’m a faker and don’t really like things for me.

But if it’s entirely different? Well, that’s territory I don’t know how to navigate.

Maybe there’s a happy medium?

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I don’t even know how to end this blog post. Usually I do this and then I figure out my emotions and it ends on a positive note that teaches y’all something. But that’s not happening as of right now. I don’t really know what I’m doing.

I just don’t wanna be a faker, okay?

I wanna feel...like, actually welcomed. No conditions. No sudden surprises of personality change. No faking. Just...love.

And I have that in Jesus.

But I can’t hear Him. I can’t touch Him. I can’t, uh, hang out with Him.

I mean I kinda can? But you know what I mean.

Faith’s hard sometimes. Maybe this is what makes it worth it?

Hah, I’m like smiling at myself because I was just talking to my friends about having more faith yesterday...and now here I am.

My trials pale in comparison to a lot of people I know. But they still hurt, and I hope they’re still valid.

You know what? I think imma end this here. I hope this helped me release some emotions in some way. Hopefully there’ll be a more positive follow-up post where I talk about what I learned from all this.

If you’re here...thank you for reading this. Your presence and support means more than you could ever know.

-emma

my preferred social media (and me being open)

 Hi everyone!

Some of you may see this, some of you may not. I don’t know how many of you keep up with my blog specifically, or who just keep up with my Instagram and then check my blog when I say I’ve posted. Well, whoever you are and however you got here, welcome! Thank you for taking the time to listen to my thoughts. It really means a lot to me.

I guess I’ll go right ahead and answer the question myself: why aren’t I on Instagram?

You might not have been asking this. You might not care. But I feel this intense pull to take control of my life. And, like, I won’t be sharing every-little-detail on here, ‘cause if I did that would require you all to be able to look into my head and last time I checked, no one has that ability. (Unless you’re secretly a Telepath...wink wink fandom reference….😉) But I’ll tell you about this bit. (And then I’ll try to get better at posting, ‘cause I really wanna keep y’all up to date on my extremely boring life!)

Instagram and I, see, we have an...interesting relationship. A part of my personality that I’m just now realizing is that I am imprinted on very easily. (No, not like in Twilight, fellow book nerds.) Meaning, it’s easy for things to influence me. I copy behaviors of those I think receive more attention in an attempt to receive that attention. I act the way the people I surround myself with act. Sometimes this influence is something I am conscious about. A lot of times, it isn’t. So, if I’m not careful, I’ll say and do things I never meant to say. Things that aren’t me.

And quite honestly, I’ve done this a lot. This part of me has helped create a lot of the trials in my teenage life, from tween-dom to now, when I’m almost a sophomore in high school. (GAAAHH THAT’S WEIRD TO SAY...and it’s not even that far away! School starts next week!!!😵 #sendhelp)

This part of me is the reason so many of my internal demons stayed buried.

It’s a weakness that was never brought up when I broke down my walls, because I was never fully aware of it until now.

Hi. Ya still with me? I know I’m ranting a lot...oh! You’re still here! Good! Okay.

So, Instagram. My, my, my, what a platform. So much good has come into my life because of it. I’ve learned about people whose legacies have deeply impacted me- and I would have never known about their stories had I not followed them on Instagram. There are some creators whose stories have given me so much joy, and whose art has inspired me so much. Just finding a simple quote online has the power to completely lift me up.

So, what’s the con here, you ask?

I’m influenced easily, like I said. And Instagram, for me, creates this false sense of reality. It shows me only the good things about people’s lives- all the ways I’m not enough. It makes me feel like my life isn’t valid because it doesn’t fit the mold that social media has created. I begin to live in this haze, where nothing is enough. My mind is always on what could be. What I could be wearing. What my bedroom could look like. How fit and muscular I could be. Places I could travel. People I could meet- if I was good enough for them, of course. The list goes on and on and on.

And this damages my spirit. And it prevents me from truly living my life.

But wait, there’s more!

Not only that, but the internet can expose me to things I don’t want to see. There are some things that just affect my spirit in negative ways. And it’s not like I’m trying to find those things! But I know that once I’m there, the floodgates open for all of Satan’s temptations. As much goodness as there is online, it’s also one of Satan’s favorite playgrounds.

Now, now, I’m not saying you’re bad for using social media! I just clarified that so much goodness has come into my life from it. I’m just sharing my trials with you all, because I think that’s how we learn. Perhaps there’s someone out there who’s going through something similar to what I’m going through, and you can feel comfort in knowing that: I get it! It’s hard to be yourself in a world that’s trying to squeeze you into a mold that’s just anything but you. But let me tell you, dear reader, it’s gonna be okay. In those moments where you really feel like you- and if you’ve had those moments, cling to them, and if you haven’t, they will come soon- that’s where your power shines. It’s all worth it, love, it’s all worth it.

And if you’re not going through something like this, thank you for listening anyway. I feel such support when people listen to me, even when their lives are entirely different from mine. That’s an attribute I’m still working on, but gol-ly it’s a good one. It’s how Jesus lived His life, you know. So thank you for listening.

I’m a bit nervous even as I type this, because I’m worried I’m “not doing it right.” How many of you will really see this? Does it matter? Am I typing it right?

And then I take a deep breath. And remember this:

God sees everything I do. He’s happy with each step I take. He’s ready and anxious for me to grow- and show up on the page.

So. Here I am.😊

oxoxo,

blissfully yours,

-emma

life updates + encouragement

 Remember when I got a blog and never posted anything on it for months and months? Hahaha…😅

I’ve had a lot on my mind recently. If you follow me on Instagram, or if you know me personally, you can probably guess a lot of the reasons why.

And the physical things are to blame for a lot of it, I guess. My summer was more packed than all my summers have ever been. I went to two girls camps for two different stakes, and two youth conferences for two different stakes (and I helped plan one of those youth conferences!). Oh, and I moved back to my hometown of Chesapeake, Virginia, and settled into a new house and a new ward. We’re still working on getting all our stuff out of boxes, but hey, it’s something.

So, yeah, there’s all that going on. But I’ve had a lot of other thoughts I feel like I should share with you.

Really, there’s just been this pull within me to...do something. Kinda ironic, considering that while I do adore being busy, I’m kind of naturally a lazy person. No shame in that. (Okay, so there’s some shame.) I’d very gladly take staying home curled up on my bed with a good book, access to Pinterest (my extremely guilty pleasure), a water bottle and maybe some kind of snack like cookies and chips over, say, a night at the movies. Or an amusement park. Or just going out and doing something big in general.

Because that is how I naturally am. And you might think that’s funny, considering I tend to be really upbeat and confident in social settings. Because surprise! I love being with the people I love. I love learning new things. I love being so busy that I don’t have time to be lazy. Throwing myself into hard work feels awesome, especially when I can reap the rewards of that hard work (even if they aren’t instantaneous).

But in both of these, I have two different extremes. The first is the tendency to be more lazy, to lie around and take the easy route rather than work. This side of me is subject to the things that will make her happy in the moment, but in the long run provide no satisfaction.

The other side of me is the exact opposite. She’s a perfectionist in every sense of the word. She has to be doing all the things, all the time, or else she’s a failure. She’s always stressed and never content with the little things she gets done. She’s never good enough.

So, with these two sides at war, it’s easy to see why I get stuck. Because while I’m lying on my bed eating chips, inside I want to be writing an award-winning novel. To be smart enough to get a college degree at fifteen. To be doing anything other than being a slug.

But the war inside of me is too exhausting. So I remain. Meanwhile, we’ve mysteriously run out of chips.

Okay, so I’m not typing this up to give myself an excuse. Absolutely not. Rather, I want to give a voice to my struggles. Because I know I’m not alone. Your struggles might look like mine, or they might look entirely different. But either way, they are valid. We all have a war raging within us. And each side has a different vice they’re fighting for. A vice that is so personal to us, it could very easily tear us down. And the dark armies would win.

But fear not! For we have a secret weapon that even the craftiest generals don’t know about.

These armies are based within us, so to discover their motives, we must simply delve into our weaknesses. Our carnal tendencies. These are with us because we are a fallen people. Overcoming these weaknesses is one of the highest requirements for us to become the Divine people we are meant to be.

Of course, that means Satan’s gonna use those weaknesses to find where to target us, trying to bring us down. That’s his whole purpose for existing, after all. But he doesn’t know that in doing that, he gives us yet another advantage.

All of Satan’s lies were once based in truth.

Have you ever heard the phrase “too much of a good thing”? Well, it’s especially true for me. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of yourself or taking a break if you need it, but since I’m more prone to want more “me-time” than I need, Satan’s of course going to use those temptations to try and keep me from accomplishing my goals.

And there’s nothing wrong with being ambitious or desiring to be better, but since I’m self-conscious and a perfectionist, Satan’s of course going to use that to discourage me and draw my focus away from the Savior and my goals.

That leads perfectly into another thing! The point behind all my rambling.

Because while it’s very true that these are my weaknesses, and that Satan does in fact use them to tempt me, I have a power that I haven’t touched on yet. And guess what? You have this power too! We all do.

We are children of something divine.

We are conduits for Light.

By Light, I mean the Spirit. It’s His influence that gives us the power of focus.

When we’re focused on why we really set goals- to take a step closer to becoming better, to becoming more like Christ- we can have a better perspective. The little worldly things that we tend to become so focused on (especially as teenagers, oh my word) start to look so...small!

And I desperately need this light in my life. Because- I love my friends, okay? I love life. I love being a teenager and all the opportunities opening up to me in my youth. But it’s at this stage that I start to feel so much pressure. To always be there for my friends and family. To attend every event. To excel at every subject. To respond to that text, because heaven forbid I accidentally leave that person on read- not because I don’t care, but because I had something I was working on-

I don’t want to miss out.

And when you focus on the tiny things in this world…

Like Pinterest feeds, and every little text, and every single little thought or fantasy…

You wonder how you’ll ever get anything done.

Or if anything you’re doing is worth it.

It’s worth it.

Life is more than the little things.

And the big things you’re “missing out” on!

Life's an adventure. A roller-coaster.

And it doesn’t end here.

I promise you (and myself, ‘cause I need to hear this too), your work is not in vain.

It gets better.

It doesn’t just revolve around you.

There’s people out there who love you. Who are their own people. And they’re going to grow and evolve and maybe move on.

But that is all someday.

For now, hold them close.

Let them ride on their own seat in the roller coaster.

And trust yourself. ‘Cause it’s only you, and no one else, who can pave your own way.

God has a plan for you from the very start onward, but it’s up to you to take the first step.

Don’t wait for the “right time”. Start now!

You’ll win the war. I promise.

But it starts with the first step.

-Emma