this post is going to be my emotions throwing up on the page

 Isn’t it amazing how many colors can be added to the canvas that is your life in just a few days?

So many lessons, so many blurs, so many everythings, so much being pulled in so many different directions-

Wanting to be one thing, but feeling as if you’ll never get there-

I feel like everyone feels like they know me. And then I pull back another layer and bam, there’s a part of Emma we didn’t know.

But what if I’m faking it?

I spent so much of my life doing just that. And I don’t know how to tell whether I like something or it’s just my stupid brain being influenced.

I like so many things. I am so many things. And I just want to be the soft girl, the wholesome quiet girl, the girl who can help people, touch people, and is so, so loving. The girl who has perfect faith. The girl who God can 100% count on all the time.

But I’m loud. I’m brash. I yell or snap in anger sometimes. I can be harsh and maybe even a little violent to some people’s standards. I suck at social cues. I hate labels. And yet so much of my problems come from them. (Probably why I hate them.) I just want to live my life! I want to know it’s mine. I want God to be able to count on me, even when I’m skipping in so many different directions.

I just don’t wanna screw up.

Listen, I know I’m being emotional and vulnerable right now. And I’m okay with that. But I also wanna be positive, y’know? I want to be the one who happily tells you good morning and who loves life and like posts stuff that inspire people. Or whatever.

And, yeah, I know people who post positive things aren’t happy all the time. Sometimes they, like me, just feel like their lives suck.

I don’t know. The only idea I’m having is to keep going, but where? I don’t even know how many people will see this, and man, that hurts me. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s better, so my feelings don’t have to be strewn all across the worlds of your brains and cause a sticky, dark mess.

If my life looks like everyone else’s, then I did it wrong. Because then I copied and I’m a faker and don’t really like things for me.

But if it’s entirely different? Well, that’s territory I don’t know how to navigate.

Maybe there’s a happy medium?

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I don’t even know how to end this blog post. Usually I do this and then I figure out my emotions and it ends on a positive note that teaches y’all something. But that’s not happening as of right now. I don’t really know what I’m doing.

I just don’t wanna be a faker, okay?

I wanna feel...like, actually welcomed. No conditions. No sudden surprises of personality change. No faking. Just...love.

And I have that in Jesus.

But I can’t hear Him. I can’t touch Him. I can’t, uh, hang out with Him.

I mean I kinda can? But you know what I mean.

Faith’s hard sometimes. Maybe this is what makes it worth it?

Hah, I’m like smiling at myself because I was just talking to my friends about having more faith yesterday...and now here I am.

My trials pale in comparison to a lot of people I know. But they still hurt, and I hope they’re still valid.

You know what? I think imma end this here. I hope this helped me release some emotions in some way. Hopefully there’ll be a more positive follow-up post where I talk about what I learned from all this.

If you’re here...thank you for reading this. Your presence and support means more than you could ever know.

-emma