stars

 I’ve had a long day.

A long day of people. Talking to people. Interacting with people. Trying to understand people. Learning that I don’t always have to please people. It’s just a day in the life of an introvert- or, rather, a day in the life of Emma, who’s pretty different from your average introvert. Or, I’d like to hope so.

So, to recover my drained energy, I’ve stepped outside. I’ve peeled off my socks (although the Illinois air is quite chilly) and ventured barefoot out onto the cool grass of the backyard. I lie down on my back, looking up at the stars. Lauren Daigle’s Rescue plays through my earbuds. As I look at the twinkling stars up in the black sky, I recall singing this exact song with my best friend at a concert. The lights were dimmed, and we, along with many other people in the crowd, turned on our phone flashlights to act like twenty-first-century candles. We waved them in the air in time to the music. It was like looking out into a sea of stars- each star representing a different person. A different life. A different soul.

And I had cried then, feeling so strongly my Father’s love for me. He numbered all the stars in the sky, and yet He knew me exactly. And He would send out an army to save my soul.

Now, I smile as I look at the stars- these ones real. It’s nice to remember that He has a divine army for me- and it’s amazing to remember how much He loves me after such a long day. I can feel some healing balm spread across my heart as I take out my earbuds and just relish in the silence of the outdoors.

Which doesn’t last long.

I hear someone call out to me. Then footsteps.

I lift my head to see the shadow of my younger brother, Scott, come running up to me. I smile and greet him.

“Lie down next to me,” I instruct. “And look at the stars.”

He does as told, and we look up into the sky together.

“You’re looking up, right?” I say, voicing the thoughts that have just come to my brain. “Well, as you look into the stars, focus hard enough, and imagine you’re looking down. You’re dangling off the earth, and just looking into a black abyss.”

There’s a quietness as he concentrates, imagining, as I am, that we tiny little humans are just hanging off the earth, looking into the black infinity of the universe.

“Whoa,” he finally gasps.

I smile, continuing to focus on one star, watching as the rest of the world becomes dark around me.

“If you focus on one star, the rest of the world blacks out,” he exclaims excitedly, noticing it too.

“I thought I was the only one who noticed that.”

We lay there for a little bit, chatting and looking at the stars. I can feel my energy restore a little more- there with my brother, a boy whom I share both blood and eternity with. Just the two of us and the universe around us. And God’s love within all of it.

Finally I turn and press my forehead against his, and I tell him I love him. He gives me a kiss (his trademark for telling me he loves me), and then turns to run back to the house.

“Oi!” I call in a mock accent. “Let me kiss you too, mate!”

He comes back and lets me kiss his head. “Love you!” he calls as he runs off.

“Love you more!”

“Love you most-est!”

“Impossible,” I say to myself, smiling and looking back at the stars.

It’s funny- the stars, the grass, the shadows of the trees all around me- I’ve seen it before. On Pinterest. People in nature, claiming they have peace.

I thought the internet could give me that peace. Or other people. Or so many things.

Instead, a song, a boy, and a star gave it to me.

A small moment meant so much more than an infinity.

Because I was focusing on the whats. All the things. How could I buy the peace I was after?

Answer: you can’t.

Things can’t heal your mental health. People can’t feel the Spirit for you. The Internet can’t recreate God’s love (though, believe me, it will try). Only you can feel all that.

As another one of my favorite songs says, big love happens in the small moments. I’m the only one who can be the vessel for all those small moments. And God is the only one who can properly heal my soul.

We are made from the same intelligence as the stars. We came from where they still reside. And, like our starry sisters, we have one mission: to shine.

And stars do that!

But sometimes it’s hard to see.

Sometimes, thanks to light pollution, we can’t see their light in the night sky. Or sometimes, one brighter star blocks all of them off entirely.

But don’t let the world’s light stop you from shining. Someday, the sun will set. The moon will rise. And someone will be brave enough to venture where the city lights don’t shine.

And they will see you.

The universe is wide, my friend. If you feel a little dimmer today than usual- you are not broken. Experiences like mine are proof of that. The biggest spirit hides in the smallest moments. Look for them. Look up.

And shine.

oxoxo,

Emma

really seeing

 So. I have more thoughts. I’m writing them from this rock out in the front yard of my aunt and uncle’s house.

It’s a pretty great perch, if I may say so.

So first: (and I may add more thoughts as the day goes on) back to the people pleasing thing. I’m the kind of girl who will INSTANTLY answer a text message, or get so worried about liking everyone’s posts, or just be worried about what people think of me in general.

There’s nothing wrong with caring for others. There is a problem with caring about others- getting so wrapped up in what THEY think of us.

But can they see us?

Yes, you smart alecks, of course they can see us. (Unless they’re blind, of course.) But can they see us?

Do they know our lives, inside and out? Do they know our thoughts? Our intentions?

The answer is no, of course not.

Now, it is possible to really get to know someone. It is possible to see them a little clearer. In fact, that is what we are supposed to do. But we will never be another person.

So why are we worried about becoming someone we’re not?

Be you. You can see everyone, but you can only be one person.

And the same goes reversed. We can’t really see or be everyone. So why are we judging them? Why are we labeling them?

Labels are one of my least favorite things in the history of the world- when it comes to people, at least. A person is not their interests. A person is not their hair color. A person is not their body type. A person is not the jeans they’re wearing, or the brand of those jeans. They are a child of God.

Can you see that?

I challenge you to see…see others, see yourself, and see the world as divine- the way God wants us to see things.

It won’t be perfect. But we’re mortal, so our vision isn’t exactly perfect.

But God loves it when we try.

oxoxo,

Emma

you do not need to be perfect!

 Hi, there!

I was reading back at my last blog post and, oh my word, I apologize for all of you who read through that. I’m very grateful if you DID, but still. That was depressing even for me to read. But, they were my feelings, and they’re therefore valid.

I’m currently writing this from riding in our car as we drive through Ohio. (I CAN BLOG POST FROM MY PHONE! MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS CHANGED!) And, as you may have seen in my Instagram stories, road trips give me a place to think a lot about…everything. And if you know me well, you know it’s difficult for me to authentically explain my thoughts and emotions. But I seem to do a good job once I try, so here goes:

I’m what you could call a “people pleaser”. (I took a personality quiz online, and I got what one calls an “Obliger”, so if you know anything about that, yeah, that’s what I am.) I care a lot about what people think of me. And I worry a lot about other people’s choices- because, for some reason, I think I’ll be affected by their consequences. (No. It’s their choice, so they’re punished for it. I’m only punished for my choices. Please see Article of Faith #2 :) ) So it’s very easy for me to become caught up in the worry if I’m “doing it right”. I know my standards, and I know my limits- but peer pressure’s tactics can be very cunning indeed. “Am I too close to the limit?” I wonder, as I forget the limits I set for myself in the first place. “Maybe I don’t need to worry about it…they like me like this, anyway.”

And thus, my view becomes fractured, and I become more worried about being of the world, rather than just in it.

Of course, this is exactly what the hosts of Hell desire.

They laugh happily as soon as I start to sink into confusion. They taunt me from their great and spacious building, saying all things are too confusing for me to ever learn.

But Jesus carries a different message.

You see, His power is the only thing that pulls me out of this mental fog. His voice is the only voice that can give me divine truth. He says that I can learn- just over the course of time. Line upon line. Precept upon precept. Here a little and there a little.

And He can do the same for you, too.

Listen to me. Your mental battles may be different from mine. Your voices may yell different things than mine. But His extended hand remains the same. His power to help you through all things remains the same. The world changes constantly, but He never will.

He says that perfection is a process. He says that the line still stands. He says we can walk it, and by doing so we can become like Him.

Nothing to me could ever matter more.

So, I shall continue to learn! Life is an adventure, and every day is a new lesson.

Thanks for being along on the adventure with me. Your presence and love means more than you could ever know. :]

Thanks for reading,

oxoxo,

Emma