I've noticed that a lot of the time I find it hard to put my feelings into words, but once I do...I'm in a much better place bc I've let those feelings out. Soooo imma try to do that here
I've noticed that one of Satan's most clever forms of attack is making us question who we are. This is ESPECIALLY true for me. How does he do this for me? Well, I think a lot of it is making me question my own mind. Making me doubt what's going on in my own head. He can get me to focus so much on my trials (in this case, it's the fact that I have Asperger's Syndrome) that I forget to, like, actually cope with it and get caught in a worry spiral and soon I don't see myself as Emma- I see myself as my Asperger's.
Or he can get me caught up in remembering a flaw I have in my personality: perfectionism. This showed up A LOT in my younger self. I'd copy people, mimic them even, in an attempt to try and become cooler. Perfect. And if I wasn't...I'd beat myself up. I'd blow the whole thing up into a mountain I couldn't climb or even see the top of. So now, if I like something based on what I see other people doing...I doubt myself, y'know? Is this real? Or am I just copying? Wait, am I getting into a worry spiral? Ohhh crapohcrap we can't have that happen...no no no, everyone's telling us we can't, gotta stay present, gotta stay present, gottastaypresent...
and suddenly i'm at the bottom of this deep dark pit i can't seem to get out of no matter how hard i try
+ it's just this constantly
finding light + then falling
like i'm going nowhere...
but you know what I can't deny?
The fact that these very things I'm doubting are real...they make me happy.
And those moments, that seem soooo big they swallow me whole...they always pass.
Always!
When I feel so bad and so low for messing up, I remember how far I've come.
And how the light ALWAYS breaks through.
So perhaps, I'm not a failure...
I'm...just...growing!
Guys, I am anything BUT perfect. Yes, my thought process is very different from y'all with your non-broken brains. But it's also very similar. And I have some peace in this fact cause I know we are all children of God and as such it's ok for us to have similarities. And I know it's ok for me to like stuff other people do and to be influenced by them because that's how I grow. Repentance is not an event, it's a process (quote is not mine, it's President Nelson's)...a process of change.
Yeah, I know- change + my brain = does not compute.
Luckily, it works in God's brain- cause He's never-changing.
So ya know what I think?
Even thought I'm not perfect (*snort* I'm far from it), and even though my past still grabs onto me, trying to trip me up, and even though I have no idea what my unknown future looks like (and ya better believe me when I say that freaks me out)- I can trust in God. I can have faith in Him. I can like what I like as long as it harms no one else (and, umm, like, is in line with the commandments...no vulgar stuff here, guys). I can be free to be me. (*sings Francesca Battistelli song in head*) I can walk by faith and not by sight. He's got this. I've got this.
WE'VE got this. Together. As God's (freakin AWESOME) army.
*proud chibi noises*
yepperdoodles, that is all for tonight! Thank you for coming to my TED talk...or my blog post...ehehe. Even if I don't understand my thoughts a lot of the time, if y'all do I've won the jackpot.
luv u all to the moon and all the way back!!! go get some sleep if you're reading this at the time I'm writing this (it's 9:37 and I have seminary at 7:00 tomorrow *nervous sweating*) and, like, drink water and acTUALLY EAT YA FOOD yes sir the munchies are 100% allowed and ummm take care of yourself??? cause you deserve!!! every bit of it!!!
that's all ehehe God loves you infinitely and so do I (well, not infinitely since I am mortal for this time being...but I love you a ton, okiiii?)
oxoxo,
Emma <3
(PS i feel like i need a title? like, how ppl on tiktoks have titles? am i, like, your internet BFF? baby sister? what vibe do i give off? lol pls let me know ilysm)
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